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00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:30,860
Good evening. It's marvellous to be with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Absolutely

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00:00:30,860 --> 00:00:34,080
splendid. We've got a packed show for
you tonight, including the dramatic

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00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,400
society of the Earl of Hendon's Trouser
Factory.

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00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,280
They'll be presenting a scene from Lord
of the Flies.

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00:00:42,140 --> 00:00:44,340
But first, a sensational piece of news.

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00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:48,800
Sheikh Haroon al -Rahm is being sued for
divorce by his 500 wives.

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00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:52,520
Apparently, they all came home early
last night and caught him with 500 other

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00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:53,520
women.

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It was his first step.

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00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:58,160
Foreign news.

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00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:03,060
Uganda. At the press conference today in
the Garden of Government House, General

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00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:06,740
Amin was asked what he was going to do
about tightening up defence.

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He replied, the man with the nails is
coming to mend it.

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And we're very glad to say that General
Armeen has just purchased 26 episodes of

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00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,080
the BBC programme Pot Black.

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Under the impression that it's a cooking
programme.

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00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:40,860
A man... A man was accused at Bow Street
today of stealing

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and eating 300 hard -boiled eggs.

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He was bound over for six months.

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And an aeroplane, which is run entirely
on North Sea gas, was flown for the

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00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:57,080
first time today, watched by government
officials.

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After the flight, they all shook hands,
and everyone agreed that it was a

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complete failure.

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00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:09,220
They said a spokesman, or a spokesman
even, a spokesman, that's how you get

25
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:12,580
they said a spokesman, an enormous
number of shillings are required for the

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meter, the passenger compartment is like
an oven, and the pilot keeps going out.

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The wedding took place in Torquay today
of Sylvia Lummox for 27 years at Cinema

28
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Usharet. The organist played selections
from The Sound of Music, the sidesman

29
00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:41,420
sold ice creams at the door, and the
bride, all in white, came down the aisle

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backwards waving a torch.

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00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:49,040
And at a certain church in
Hertfordshire, both the vicar and his

32
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have been reprimanded by the church
committee after allegations of

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They found his vest in her pantry and
her pants in his vestry.

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And now, now a sketch which is extremely
offensive to people who don't have

35
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:05,300
television set.

36
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So all those without television sets
should switch off now.

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00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,500
Oh, come in, Clive.

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How are you?

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It's a viney, is it? That's right.

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That's the idea. Would you sit down,
please?

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00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:25,460
Welcome to Harley Street.

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00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:26,680
Thank you.

43
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,220
Well, now, what seems to be the trouble,
hmm? Well, I've got this terrible pain

44
00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:33,860
right across the middle of my back. Oh,
dear, dear, dear. Well, just spit the

45
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:37,560
jacket off, would you, and we'll have a
look at it. That's the idea. Thank you.

46
00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:38,780
Thank you.

47
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,240
That's a nice bit of stuff.

48
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Handmade, is it?

49
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,300
Yes, yes, it is.

50
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:45,940
What would you favour to suit like that?

51
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,020
About 50 guineas, I think. Really? 50?
Yes.

52
00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,780
I've got a fellow who makes them up for
me. 30 quid, you know. Very good suits.

53
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:54,360
Very nice. I'll give you his name. Oh,
thank you. Can I just take the pulse?

54
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Yes.

55
00:03:58,420 --> 00:03:59,420
That's a nice watch, isn't it?

56
00:04:02,180 --> 00:04:04,480
How much would you pay for a watch like
that?

57
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:05,830
About £100.

58
00:04:05,990 --> 00:04:09,110
Really? Look, tell you what, you can
have this one for 70. Look, it's

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00:04:09,110 --> 00:04:12,110
gold. It's self -winding, three months
guarantee. No, thank you, I don't want

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00:04:12,110 --> 00:04:12,888
it.

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00:04:12,890 --> 00:04:15,510
20 quid, then, eh? No, I don't want it.
No, I'm quite right, quite right.

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00:04:16,410 --> 00:04:19,630
Don't let me pressure you. After all,
you've come here for advice, haven't

63
00:04:19,970 --> 00:04:23,250
I'm a specialist. We have to have some
sort of relationship of trust, don't we?

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Yes. Look, 10 quid and I'm robbing
yourself.

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00:04:26,490 --> 00:04:28,950
Can I see you about my back, please? Oh,
yes, your corn back, yes.

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00:04:29,490 --> 00:04:30,530
Come on, let's have a look at that.

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Yes. That's it.

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Yes.

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Oh, well, you know the trouble, you've
been sitting awkwardly, you know.

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00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,340
Sitting, really? Yes, it's that suit of
yours. That suit?

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00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,520
Yeah, binds you round the back. Now,
this tailor I know, he's a Greek boy,

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fix you up.

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00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:45,280
He'll do a really lovely job. Wouldn't
bind you round the back at all. Nice

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00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:48,600
lapels, three buttons down there, two
side vents, slight flare, you know,

75
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:52,480
Italian mohair, beautiful job. 30 quid,
no questions asked. You can't say better

76
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:53,159
than cat.

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00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,660
You can't say better than cat, can you?

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You can't say better, even if you were a
vet, you couldn't say better than cat.

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00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,600
I mean, where can you get a Harley
Street specialist who would do it

80
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:10,360
eh? If you'd just like to have a look
through those, I'll just... Excuse

81
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:15,440
me a minute. Please, look.

82
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:20,020
I've got quite sufficient suits of my
own. Okay, okay, forget it. Forget it

83
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,860
Forget anything I ever said. After all,
your suits are your own affair, aren't

84
00:05:23,860 --> 00:05:27,280
they? You've come to see me about the
medical advice, haven't you? Of course

85
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:30,900
have. And medical advice you will get.
There we are. How do you fix for cup

86
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:31,900
final tickets? All right?

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00:05:34,730 --> 00:05:38,070
Ebrock, beautiful. They're 750 the pair.
What, a five are they? I mean, I'm not

88
00:05:38,070 --> 00:05:41,470
doing any papers, you know. I mean, I
can get 20 quid for these on the day.

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00:05:41,570 --> 00:05:43,110
look, please, look at my back. Oh, your
back.

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00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:44,450
Yes, I'm all right.

91
00:05:44,670 --> 00:05:46,770
Let's have a look. These are nice,
padded, comfortable seats. No, I'm not

92
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interested.

93
00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:51,390
No, no, I don't... Look, you can trust
me. I'm a specialist. I wouldn't sell

94
00:05:51,390 --> 00:05:52,390
duff seats, would I?

95
00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:55,070
I mean, there are doctors around here
that sell you seats behind a pillow.

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00:05:55,110 --> 00:05:57,890
I'm not interested in football. No, all
right. My back is... Okay, yes.

97
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:02,830
Well, just... No, don't worry. Just...
No, let's... Oh, yes, yes.

98
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:06,400
Do you take much exercise at all? Well,
I haven't been taking much. No, well,

99
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,560
you should. You should, really,
shouldn't you, eh?

100
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:13,000
Ever thought of taking up golf at all?
Well, funnily enough, I have. Look at

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00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,000
these clubs. Beautiful.

102
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I don't want no clubs.

103
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,080
Just lie down. Just lie down. That's
fine.

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Just lie down there.

105
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That's it. That's the way there.

106
00:06:24,060 --> 00:06:27,940
Now then, we can... Ever get any liver
trouble?

107
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,880
Well, I've had pains there. Drink a lot,
do you?

108
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Quite a lot, yes. Would you like some
nice Norwegian brandy? £60.

109
00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:35,680
I've got a lorry load outside.

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Well, you can have the lorry for £30.
No, I don't want it. You'll have to re

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-spray it and change it.

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No, I don't want it. Well, I'll tell you
what.

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£25 and I'll throw in the medical
advice. Look, will you please look at my

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I am looking.

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I am looking. I'm looking. I'm looking
at it.

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Very tense, too.

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Massage. That's what you need, you know.
A good masseur. Now, I've got one here.

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Fully qualified.

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Highly recommended.

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Brunette. Big girl. Know what I mean?
Very big girl.

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I'm not interested in girls. Oh, will
you come to the right place?

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Give me two quid for the watch. No, I
don't want it. Well, 30 bucks. No, I

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don't. Well, give me a pound or I'll hit
you. No!

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I'll get the boys around and duff you
up, wasting my time.

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No wonder we're all going to America.

126
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Thank you.

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Grant me, grant me just one thing.

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Make my wife quite as pretty, quite as
smart, quite as intelligent, and twice

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sexy as she is now.

130
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:31,759
My dear, please.

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Large deal in tonic, sir.

132
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You're new here, aren't you?

133
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No. I've been here about two years.

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Oh, it must be me, then.

135
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That's why I've never seen you in here
before. I've never been in here before.

136
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That would account for it. Yes, it
would, wouldn't it, eh?

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Two years, eh?

138
00:10:53,580 --> 00:10:55,520
Well, you must be very fond of it.

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The work, I mean.

140
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You meet a lot of people.

141
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Yes, yes, of course you do.

142
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I do think you're a pretty good judge of
a person, aren't you?

143
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Could I have a pineapple juice, please?

144
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A small one, sir.

145
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Yes,

146
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why not?

147
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Yes, you're a pretty good judge, all
right.

148
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Pay well here to them. Oh, all right.

149
00:11:21,980 --> 00:11:25,320
I should think a pretty girl like you
must be worth her weight in gold, a

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like this.

151
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Flattery will get you nowhere.

152
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:28,880
No, no.

153
00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:41,810
Once or twice, yes.

154
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:43,810
Do you think you're attractive?

155
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I'm too tall.

156
00:11:45,770 --> 00:11:47,330
Oh, I like tall girls. Me too.

157
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Did you say something?

158
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Who, me?

159
00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:52,610
No.

160
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The taller the better.

161
00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:55,930
Right. What? Pardon?

162
00:11:56,950 --> 00:12:02,150
Are you local then, are you, sir? No,
no, no. Just passing through, you know.

163
00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:03,410
I'm staying at the plough.

164
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You know it?

165
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Nice bedroom.

166
00:12:06,930 --> 00:12:07,930
Oh, really?

167
00:12:08,610 --> 00:12:10,510
You know the bedrooms at the plough, do
you?

168
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,150
Well, I must say, you interest me
enormously.

169
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:13,750
And me not quite so enormously.

170
00:12:18,330 --> 00:12:21,410
Well, do you mind? I'm trying to have a
private conversation with this young

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00:12:21,410 --> 00:12:23,230
lady. Now drink up and puddle off, will
you?

172
00:12:23,450 --> 00:12:25,010
Could I have another pineapple juice,
please?

173
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,010
No, just ignore him. He'll probably go
away.

174
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:30,730
What time do you finish here tonight?

175
00:12:31,170 --> 00:12:32,690
Oh, half past ten. Why?

176
00:12:33,010 --> 00:12:34,010
Oh, I was just wondering.

177
00:12:34,610 --> 00:12:35,610
Would you like a drink?

178
00:12:36,050 --> 00:12:38,110
No. I don't think I'd better.

179
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:52,470
That's a double.

180
00:12:55,270 --> 00:12:58,850
Please don't think that I'm trying to
get you drunk, because I'm really not.

181
00:12:58,850 --> 00:13:02,510
sure? No, absolutely not. I promise I
didn't mean that. I really didn't. I

182
00:13:03,470 --> 00:13:06,170
I just meant that I thought you were
very attractive. Beautiful.

183
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:09,590
Fantastic. And I thought I'd like to
take you out for a meal. Me too. Because

184
00:13:09,590 --> 00:13:13,270
you're friendly and warm, and, well, you
just have such terrific... Knockers!

185
00:13:26,670 --> 00:13:27,670
do fancy a meal later.

186
00:13:27,830 --> 00:13:29,130
And here's my card.

187
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:31,330
Just phone me at the flower, yeah?

188
00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:39,810
Look, Lillian, if you do go out for a
bite to eat, for goodness sake, don't be

189
00:13:39,810 --> 00:13:42,150
late. We've got to be up early tomorrow.
You've got your mother coming over.

190
00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:59,340
Someone once said marriage is a
wonderful institution.

191
00:13:59,660 --> 00:14:01,740
No family should be without it.

192
00:14:02,860 --> 00:14:06,920
Ever since the Dark Ages, men and women
have always felt the need of a mate.

193
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,720
Obviously, if a man wants to get
married, the first thing he must do is

194
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:40,720
a girl.

195
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:57,440
This is not as easy as it sounds,
especially if one is looking for certain

196
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:58,440
qualities.

197
00:15:04,810 --> 00:15:09,130
For instance, you may find a girl with
the brains of Dr. Einstein and the body

198
00:15:09,130 --> 00:15:10,130
of Raquel Wells.

199
00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:13,070
But this doesn't necessarily mean that
she's right for you.

200
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:26,410
One should get to know a girl before

201
00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:27,410
becoming involved.

202
00:15:27,470 --> 00:15:30,710
A hasty decision might be regretted
later.

203
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:03,600
selected your partner do not be
disappointed if she is not the ideal

204
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:04,120
your dreams

205
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:21,200
courtship

206
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:26,810
is an operation which should be
approached with caution on your first

207
00:16:26,810 --> 00:16:29,270
simply take the girl to a park and leap
on her.

208
00:16:34,790 --> 00:16:39,870
Take her to an orchestral concert and
let the music bring you together.

209
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,600
you are ready to take her in your arms.

210
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:06,359
And as you share that first embrace, you
may find that she is only too willing

211
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,599
to participate.

212
00:17:12,859 --> 00:17:17,520
These new sensations should not be
pursued too vigorously, however.

213
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:27,480
There are dangers if the full tide of
passion is unleashed too prematurely.

214
00:17:57,070 --> 00:17:59,510
pay attentions to your love, do not be
jealous.

215
00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:12,970
Be proud that other men find her
attractive.

216
00:18:13,270 --> 00:18:14,890
Try to control yourself.

217
00:18:17,510 --> 00:18:23,010
If this prank is difficult, sometimes it
is useful to share your emotion with a

218
00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:25,250
third party. For instance, her mother.

219
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:37,180
should try to arrange a romantic setting
to propose, but whatever the time or

220
00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:40,600
place, tradition demands that a proposal
is made on the knees.

221
00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:44,700
And

222
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:56,780
finally,

223
00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:01,060
when the happy day arrives, make sure
you have a house ready to move into.

224
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:05,260
Somewhere where you can close the front
door on the outside world and start

225
00:19:05,260 --> 00:19:06,840
married life in earnest.

226
00:19:31,530 --> 00:19:32,530
Thank you, Dulcie.

227
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:35,690
Nice legs.

228
00:19:36,770 --> 00:19:37,770
Yeah.

229
00:19:38,590 --> 00:19:40,430
Awfully good tone, too.

230
00:19:40,950 --> 00:19:41,950
What?

231
00:19:42,870 --> 00:19:43,930
The piano.

232
00:19:46,290 --> 00:19:48,510
No, the waitress. Nice legs.

233
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,450
Oh, the waitress. Yes, yes.

234
00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:51,930
A trim craft.

235
00:19:52,890 --> 00:19:55,870
You were fond of the girls, I was.

236
00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:58,090
Used to be.

237
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,450
Gone awful, have you?

238
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,060
Not at all. Still as keen as ever.

239
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:05,320
Yes.

240
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:09,080
It's really a question of opportunity
now, isn't it?

241
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,600
Yes,

242
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:14,660
I never seem to get the chance these
days to show my prowess.

243
00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:19,440
How long is it?

244
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:35,500
Since you had... Since you got... Since
you made... Since you were...

245
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,000
Since you made love.

246
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,600
With a woman, I mean.

247
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,700
None of your damn business.

248
00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:51,520
Since you did, I bet a pound.

249
00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:52,860
What?

250
00:20:53,260 --> 00:20:57,280
When did you last... When did you
last...

251
00:21:00,110 --> 00:21:02,710
have been about 1945.

252
00:21:07,670 --> 00:21:08,670
1945?

253
00:21:09,030 --> 00:21:10,830
That's a damn long time ago.

254
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,209
What do you mean?

255
00:21:12,210 --> 00:21:14,330
It's only 2230 now.

256
00:21:32,780 --> 00:21:34,240
Thank you.

257
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,200
Church.

258
00:23:19,380 --> 00:23:23,680
On a winter's day.

259
00:23:24,460 --> 00:23:26,080
If I didn't tell her.

260
00:24:08,650 --> 00:24:14,650
if I may, to tell you a rather poignant
little story about a man named Percy who

261
00:24:14,650 --> 00:24:16,770
has a little pussycat called Tibbles.

262
00:24:18,670 --> 00:24:22,650
Now, up to now, you've got to admit it's
got a certain ring of truth about it.

263
00:24:24,050 --> 00:24:29,950
Everybody has at some time known a man
named Percy, or a cat called Tibbles, or

264
00:24:29,950 --> 00:24:30,950
perhaps vice versa.

265
00:24:33,130 --> 00:24:34,570
And in some cases, both.

266
00:24:34,770 --> 00:24:39,880
And believe me, If you're one of these
fortunate few, this story will bring the

267
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:43,720
tears springing to your eyes like a bus
over your foot on a cold morning.

268
00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:48,220
By the way, I didn't make this story up.

269
00:24:48,660 --> 00:24:53,400
I read it in an old reader's digest, in
between an article called Having Fun

270
00:24:53,400 --> 00:25:00,040
with a Hernia and a story about a woman
who brought up a family of four with one

271
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,460
hand while waiting for directory
inquiries.

272
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:11,380
for the sake of a joke, you know.

273
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:14,180
Sometimes it's a joke, but tonight it
was a lie.

274
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,940
No, it was actually told to me, the
story, by our local vicar when I was

275
00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:20,640
out at his church bait last week.

276
00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:25,160
What a nice young chap this vicar is,
full of new, young, modern ideas, you

277
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:31,960
know, like pray by mail and rent a soul
and come and see the topless verger.

278
00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:36,380
You know, he's always thinking of new
ways, you know, of drumming up business.

279
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:38,860
You know, he goes up to people in the
street and says, do you want to hear a

280
00:25:38,860 --> 00:25:39,860
sermon?

281
00:25:42,679 --> 00:25:45,060
He often stops me on my way home, often.

282
00:25:45,260 --> 00:25:48,520
Hello, Ron, he says. Hello, Ron. Have
you got time for a quick blessing?

283
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:54,200
What can you say? I get home a little
bit late, the wife looks at me and she

284
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:55,200
says, you're blessed again.

285
00:25:59,220 --> 00:26:05,660
As I was saying, we held this fete last
week. Now, this fete was in aid of the

286
00:26:05,660 --> 00:26:07,360
fund for the restoration of the
vicarage.

287
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:12,160
You know, which has almost deteriorated
beyond repair since it was built way

288
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:13,480
back at the early part of this year.

289
00:26:14,700 --> 00:26:20,480
We had this... We had our festival, you
know, with a crowd. With a crowd

290
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,780
estimated at its peak to be somewhere in
the region of six.

291
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,740
Now, I suppose it was our own fault. We
clashed with Polo at Hurlingham,

292
00:26:28,860 --> 00:26:32,120
National Lifeboat Day, and a new
weighing machine at Slough Station.

293
00:26:33,140 --> 00:26:36,280
We did, however, have one bit... We did,
however...

294
00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:38,260
I have one bit of excitement.

295
00:26:38,460 --> 00:26:44,240
When the local beauty queen from the
tyre factory, Miss Retread of 1973...

296
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:51,100
She was selling kisses at 5p a time. An
old Charlie

297
00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:53,560
from the butchers had a quidsworth and
got a bit over -involved.

298
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,460
But it all worked out all right, thanks
to the local fire brigade, poor

299
00:26:58,460 --> 00:27:00,120
policeman and a chap for the humane
killer.

300
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,740
Then we had... Then we had...

301
00:27:06,670 --> 00:27:09,150
Then we had the unusual pets
competition.

302
00:27:10,130 --> 00:27:11,130
Unusual pets.

303
00:27:11,150 --> 00:27:14,950
Which, owing to a lack of support, was
won by my wife's brother with a tin of

304
00:27:14,950 --> 00:27:15,950
salmon.

305
00:27:21,410 --> 00:27:22,710
Trailing this little tin of her.

306
00:27:23,730 --> 00:27:27,010
Which reminds me of the joke I was going
to tell you. It's come back to me.

307
00:27:27,030 --> 00:27:28,730
About this chap who had this cat.

308
00:27:29,250 --> 00:27:30,710
He was very fond of, you see.

309
00:27:30,950 --> 00:27:33,870
And he phoned his brother one day and he
said, is that you, Bert?

310
00:27:34,750 --> 00:27:35,850
He said, is that, hello?

311
00:27:37,370 --> 00:27:38,510
Is that you, Bert?

312
00:27:39,150 --> 00:27:41,050
Yeah, it's me, he says. Bert, what do
you want?

313
00:27:41,450 --> 00:27:45,410
Interesting situation here, you know,
where one brother has obviously got more

314
00:27:45,410 --> 00:27:46,410
of his share of hormones.

315
00:27:49,030 --> 00:27:52,210
Poor old Percy is very short of them
indeed, you see.

316
00:27:52,830 --> 00:27:57,830
So Percy says, look, Bert, he says,
look, he said, I've got to go away for a

317
00:27:57,830 --> 00:28:02,290
days, you know what I mean? And I was
wondering if you would, perhaps, take

318
00:28:02,290 --> 00:28:03,770
of little Tibbles for me.

319
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:07,740
Bert says, no, I don't want any sticking
moggies in this house, he says.

320
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:11,380
Oh, please, Bert, please, Bert. He says,
there's only you and dear old mum.

321
00:28:11,460 --> 00:28:14,820
She's not been too well. And Tibbles and
me have never been parted before, says

322
00:28:14,820 --> 00:28:18,360
Bert, you see. So Bert says, all right
then, he said. And the next night, Percy

323
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:22,140
rings long distance from where he went
to, you see. He says, how's Tibbles?

324
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:23,680
How's Tibbles?

325
00:28:24,020 --> 00:28:25,020
Bert said, he's dead.

326
00:28:27,500 --> 00:28:28,900
Percy says, you say he's dead?

327
00:28:30,060 --> 00:28:31,880
His brother said, yep, he's dead, all
right.

328
00:28:32,220 --> 00:28:35,780
I said, well, oh, he said, what a
heartless way to break it to me, he

329
00:28:36,020 --> 00:28:38,500
He said, couldn't you have spread the
news a bit, you know, to soften out the

330
00:28:38,500 --> 00:28:41,600
blow? He said, you know, like tonight
you could have said he was playing with

331
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,360
his ball on the roof and he slipped and
fell.

332
00:28:44,100 --> 00:28:45,500
But he's going to be all right.

333
00:28:45,740 --> 00:28:48,940
And then tomorrow night you could have
said he didn't seem to be too well

334
00:28:48,940 --> 00:28:52,320
the day, so I took him to the vet who
gave him some medicine, but he's got

335
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,580
and he's passed away peacefully in his
sleep.

336
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:56,920
He said, by the way, how's Mumsy?

337
00:28:57,450 --> 00:28:59,630
Brother said, well, she was playing with
a ball on the roof.

338
00:29:18,110 --> 00:29:20,430
Space, the final frontier.

339
00:29:21,090 --> 00:29:24,030
These are the voyages of the Starship
Enterprise.

340
00:29:24,870 --> 00:29:25,970
Its mission...

341
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,020
To explore beyond and behind this
frontier.

342
00:29:29,580 --> 00:29:34,840
To boldly go beyond where no man has
gone behind before.

343
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:01,560
Approaching unidentified planet now,
Captain.

344
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,000
Walk back to three.

345
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:05,360
Distance?

346
00:30:05,740 --> 00:30:07,280
3 ,800 miles.

347
00:30:08,820 --> 00:30:09,820
Velocity?

348
00:30:10,460 --> 00:30:12,760
7 ,500 miles per hour, Captain.

349
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:15,160
Chronometric scale?

350
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:17,460
Similar to our own, sir.

351
00:30:17,940 --> 00:30:19,240
21st century A .D.

352
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:21,680
Precise time at present moment?

353
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:23,700
Three minutes past eleven, Captain.

354
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,600
You don't say. Then where the hell's the
coffee?

355
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:33,620
Mr. Spock. I wanted him to run checks on
this planet before we landed.

356
00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:35,260
He just slipped out for a moment,
Captain.

357
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:36,219
What for?

358
00:30:36,220 --> 00:30:37,540
Oh, he's only human, sir.

359
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,580
That's just it. He's not. He's a Vulcan.

360
00:30:44,980 --> 00:30:47,120
He told me they never had to go at all.

361
00:30:49,980 --> 00:30:53,560
Will you keep a steady course, Scotty?
I'm going to find out where Spock is.

362
00:30:53,820 --> 00:30:54,820
Thank you.

363
00:30:59,950 --> 00:31:00,950
used to be.

364
00:31:02,510 --> 00:31:04,790
Gary, what's happened?

365
00:31:05,070 --> 00:31:06,430
Sir? I'm much smaller.

366
00:31:06,870 --> 00:31:09,230
Good gracious, so you are, sir. But
that's not possible.

367
00:31:32,970 --> 00:31:36,710
but certain physical changes have taken
place in your body, resulting in a

368
00:31:36,710 --> 00:31:39,250
somewhat abbreviated version of your
erstwhile good self.

369
00:31:40,350 --> 00:31:41,830
My body? What about yours?

370
00:31:42,090 --> 00:31:45,490
I regret, too, that I have become
contaminated, but in a different

371
00:31:45,610 --> 00:31:47,190
outwards as opposed to downwards.

372
00:31:48,390 --> 00:31:50,550
I'm approximately twice as heavy as I
was.

373
00:31:50,810 --> 00:31:54,370
I think this phenomena should be
investigated immediately, especially in

374
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:55,370
case, Captain.

375
00:31:55,410 --> 00:31:59,350
Why me more than you? Well, with
respect, Captain, if a thing swells, it

376
00:31:59,350 --> 00:32:00,269
only get bigger.

377
00:32:00,270 --> 00:32:02,130
But if it shrinks, it could disappear
altogether.

378
00:32:08,130 --> 00:32:11,410
What? You are very small, Captain.

379
00:32:12,470 --> 00:32:14,570
And you're like the side of a house.

380
00:32:15,230 --> 00:32:17,990
Verbal fisticuffs, I suggest, will get
us no place at all.

381
00:32:18,330 --> 00:32:19,330
Let us consider.

382
00:32:19,710 --> 00:32:22,350
Who else on the starship has become
affected?

383
00:32:22,790 --> 00:32:26,840
Well, Lieutenant Uhura is the same shape
and size as before, and... Just as

384
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:30,220
attractive. One tiny detail may have
escaped your notice, Captain.

385
00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:31,980
Yesterday, she was a Negro.

386
00:32:32,420 --> 00:32:33,420
Captain! Captain!

387
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:36,940
Scotty. There seems to be something
wrong with the computer bank. I'm

388
00:32:36,940 --> 00:32:38,760
information back from the plant at all,
Mr. Spark.

389
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:41,000
Pardon me, Scotty.

390
00:32:42,620 --> 00:32:43,620
Hmm.

391
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:48,120
There appears to be a malfunction in the
electronic brain cells themselves,

392
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:52,720
Captain. some force is being exerted
which has the effect of twisting the

393
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:56,180
patterns, producing a kind of insanity
within the machine itself.

394
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:57,760
Insanity? That's crazy.

395
00:32:58,060 --> 00:32:59,440
That is another way of putting it,
certainly.

396
00:33:00,740 --> 00:33:02,960
Here, let me feed it a question.

397
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:07,360
Coordinates, please, of the planet in
our immediate flight path.

398
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:14,660
Your weight is eight stone two.

399
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:26,580
Precise details, please. Type of planet,
land mass, atmosphere, life forms.

400
00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:33,680
Four passport photos.

401
00:33:35,700 --> 00:33:36,840
Allow me, Captain.

402
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,460
Full report, please, on computer brain
itself.

403
00:33:39,780 --> 00:33:43,580
Self -analysis and diagnosis on override
sanity circuit.

404
00:33:44,220 --> 00:33:46,440
That should do it, Captain, if anything
works.

405
00:33:54,460 --> 00:33:58,420
deduce that this vast electronic brain
is out of its tiny mind.

406
00:33:59,340 --> 00:34:02,340
That does it, Scotty. Prepare to beam us
down to the planet's surface. This

407
00:34:02,340 --> 00:34:05,220
force must be coming from down there,
Spock. I entirely agree, Captain. It

408
00:34:05,220 --> 00:34:06,800
be investigated at once. Right, let's
go.

409
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:12,080
As soon as we reach the transporter
room, Scotty, beam us down. Then you

410
00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:13,760
the planet and stand by. Aye, sir.

411
00:34:20,300 --> 00:34:22,360
I'll say one thing. You make a lovely
cup of coffee.

412
00:34:33,350 --> 00:34:35,469
Prepare to beam us down, Scotty.

413
00:34:37,670 --> 00:34:38,670
Energize.

414
00:34:39,090 --> 00:34:40,090
Aye, aye, Captain.

415
00:34:40,590 --> 00:34:41,590
Energizing now.

416
00:34:48,170 --> 00:34:51,030
Increase power, Mr. Scott. We haven't
gone yet.

417
00:34:55,630 --> 00:34:58,550
Box gone, Scotty. I seem to be stuck
here.

418
00:35:03,970 --> 00:35:06,230
There's something wrong with the
machine, Mr. Scott.

419
00:35:06,490 --> 00:35:07,490
I've come back.

420
00:35:08,150 --> 00:35:09,150
Me too.

421
00:35:09,430 --> 00:35:13,790
Oh, Scotty. Override, Scotty. I feel
like a yo -yo.

422
00:35:22,670 --> 00:35:24,210
We're still here, Scotty.

423
00:35:26,370 --> 00:35:28,370
Scotty, oh, for Pete's sake, Scotty!

424
00:35:28,870 --> 00:35:30,510
Try the booster, Mr. Scott.

425
00:35:32,650 --> 00:35:33,930
Oh, this is ridiculous.

426
00:35:34,870 --> 00:35:36,370
I'll go and see if I can fix it.

427
00:35:37,010 --> 00:35:38,070
I'll join you later.

428
00:35:45,410 --> 00:35:48,070
Captain's log, stardate 2150.

429
00:35:48,700 --> 00:35:53,200
Mr. Spock and I finally managed to land
on the planet XJ340.

430
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:58,440
After trouble with the ship's computer,
we set out to search for the source of

431
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:01,560
the strange evil force which had changed
our shape.

432
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:08,260
It seems deserted.

433
00:36:08,540 --> 00:36:12,360
It would appear so, Captain. However,
Mr. Scott did beam us down as near to

434
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,920
force field as possible. We should be
within a few feet of it. I suggest we

435
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:17,160
proceed with caution.

436
00:36:17,630 --> 00:36:18,630
Search the area.

437
00:36:34,090 --> 00:36:35,090
Good grief.

438
00:36:38,610 --> 00:36:39,830
Greetings, Earthman.

439
00:36:40,630 --> 00:36:42,830
Greetings. Are you in charge round about
here?

440
00:36:43,070 --> 00:36:44,670
Yes. There are...

441
00:36:47,150 --> 00:36:48,149
who serve me.

442
00:36:48,150 --> 00:36:49,530
So you're the head.

443
00:36:52,590 --> 00:36:54,890
I am the master.

444
00:36:55,910 --> 00:36:57,110
Tell me, headmaster.

445
00:36:58,910 --> 00:37:02,650
Is it you who have been disrupting our
starship and changing our physical

446
00:37:02,790 --> 00:37:08,350
Yes. The ray emanates from the machine
behind me, but I control it.

447
00:37:17,770 --> 00:37:19,690
we're going to say everything twice,
we'll never get out of here.

448
00:37:20,570 --> 00:37:23,890
I suggest once is enough. I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. I mean, I'm just sorry.

449
00:37:24,730 --> 00:37:27,590
Once. Your revenge, I believe you said.
Yes.

450
00:37:28,010 --> 00:37:33,590
I loaned my body to the scientists for
experiments, and they never returned it.

451
00:37:33,970 --> 00:37:39,870
They left me here like this, using my
brain as a sort of clockwork machine.

452
00:37:40,410 --> 00:37:41,410
Me!

453
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:48,820
Well, at least you can still sing.

454
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,700
Does nobody ever bring you food?

455
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:53,960
What good is food?

456
00:37:54,140 --> 00:37:58,160
I have no stomach. Tough. And women? The
same thing applies.

457
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:01,840
He has no inclination.

458
00:38:03,780 --> 00:38:06,060
I'm becoming a vegetable.

459
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,060
What is your opinion, Captain?

460
00:38:09,540 --> 00:38:11,040
I think he's off his head.

461
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,060
Nevertheless, an evil force which must
be destroyed.

462
00:38:15,020 --> 00:38:16,020
I...

463
00:38:26,860 --> 00:38:28,020
Sergeant Enterprise, wait for me there.

464
00:38:28,260 --> 00:38:29,820
I have the medical unit standing by.

465
00:38:58,140 --> 00:38:59,340
Stardate 2172.

466
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:04,300
I beamed aboard the Enterprise and
awaited Spock's return.

467
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:11,260
A few hours later, everything aboard was
back to normal, including my size.

468
00:39:12,100 --> 00:39:17,220
But of Spock, there was no sign. Thank
you, Lieutenant Uhura.

469
00:39:17,700 --> 00:39:19,800
I'm glad to see you've got your color
back.

470
00:39:20,220 --> 00:39:23,440
I seem to have returned to my normal six
feet again.

471
00:39:23,660 --> 00:39:25,500
It would appear that Mr. Spock has...

472
00:39:26,020 --> 00:39:30,560
conquered the creature and nullified the
ray. The question is, is he okay?

473
00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:35,100
Scotty, is Spock back yet?

474
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:36,920
No, Captain.

475
00:39:37,140 --> 00:39:39,560
And I don't like us being down here on
the planet's surface.

476
00:39:40,260 --> 00:39:41,460
Permission to blast off, sir?

477
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:44,320
Certainly not, Scotty. Not without
Spock.

478
00:39:46,660 --> 00:39:49,700
Somewhere out there, there are many
other life forms.

479
00:39:50,380 --> 00:39:51,380
Who knows?

480
00:39:51,660 --> 00:39:53,400
One of them may have got Spock.

481
00:40:09,850 --> 00:40:11,210
Goodbye? What happened?

482
00:40:11,730 --> 00:40:16,490
I did become contaminated. I just grew
and grew. I intend to stay here on the

483
00:40:16,490 --> 00:40:19,030
planet's surface until I regain my
normal size.

484
00:40:19,830 --> 00:40:20,830
Farewell, Captain.

485
00:40:21,110 --> 00:40:22,110
This is terrible.

486
00:40:22,490 --> 00:40:24,230
Terrible. Don't worry, Captain.

487
00:40:24,910 --> 00:40:27,910
You were right. There are other forms of
life upon this planet.

488
00:40:28,130 --> 00:40:30,770
One of them did get me, as you put it.

489
00:40:31,530 --> 00:40:33,050
Say goodbye, Angelique.

490
00:41:04,130 --> 00:41:08,870
Well, that's all for this week. Next
week in our series, Great Optimists of

491
00:41:08,870 --> 00:41:12,850
Time, we shall visit the Royal Hospital
for Chelsea Pensioners and talk to the

492
00:41:12,850 --> 00:41:14,350
man who designed the maternity wing.

493
00:41:17,170 --> 00:41:19,650
Meanwhile, here's some pressing news.

494
00:41:19,970 --> 00:41:25,730
British Customs arrested a famous
Russian woman spy after the discovery of

495
00:41:25,730 --> 00:41:28,310
miniature radios hidden in the cups of
her bra.

496
00:41:30,300 --> 00:41:34,320
We became suspicious when, from the top
of her dress, we heard Kenneth McKellar

497
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,340
singing The Hills Are Alive with the
sound of music.

498
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,500
Thieves broke into the National Art
Gallery of New York this afternoon.

499
00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:51,080
Immediately, police sealed off all the
exits.

500
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:53,320
The thieves then escaped by all the
entrances.

501
00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:03,320
An insurance company. today refused to
pay out a claim stating that Mr. Henry

502
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:07,800
Bowker was blind drunk and smoking in
bed Mr. Bowker won his case when he

503
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:11,660
replied I was not in the least drunk and
anyway the bed was already alight when

504
00:42:11,660 --> 00:42:17,820
I got into it important statistics are
published today as to why husbands get

505
00:42:17,820 --> 00:42:23,180
out of bed at night it seems that 5 %
get up to get a snack 10 % get up to go

506
00:42:23,180 --> 00:42:25,960
the bathroom and 85 % get up to go home

507
00:42:31,530 --> 00:42:35,770
Bow Street, an unemployed labourer was
found guilty of running up and down

508
00:42:35,770 --> 00:42:40,090
Downing Street at two in the morning
shouting, all the government are barmy.

509
00:42:40,090 --> 00:42:43,750
was given a two pound fine for being
drunk and disorderly and a ten year jail

510
00:42:43,750 --> 00:42:45,370
sentence for revealing a state secret.

511
00:42:47,190 --> 00:42:52,610
So it's goodnight from me and it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.